It hurts so much, watching him go through the pain. The worst thing in the world is seeing him upset.
I hate standing back and watching, and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it; seeing the excitement, the nerves, the confidence, and the happiness; then watching all of those things get knocked down in seconds.
Why? Why do they not give him the chance? Why don’t they realise just how perfect he is, why don’t they see him the way I do?
He builds up his hopes, and they destroy them, playing with his heart; and he lets them. They tell him they’re not interested, then they stand there and flirt with him, and he lets them, because deep down he’s holding on to that last little thing that tells him that he stands a chance. And he should, because if they knew HALF of him, they’d know they’re making a mistake letting him go.
And I can do nothing, nothing at all, but stand there in front of him, holding back the tears when I see it happen again, and wishing that I could take all of the pain away. It’s hard, being the one that loves him, and having to hide it from the world, because he doesn’t, and never will, feel the same way. I’m the one that knows him, loves him, and would do anything for him to love me back, and yet I get to watch time and time again as those other girls reject him. I look at him, faking happiness, and I wonder how those girls can do that – how they just can’t see what they’re throwing away.
I can’t do anything. I want him to be happy. I’d do anything to see one of those girls say yes, see the confidence boost it gives him, see him smile when he’s with someone he truly wants to be with; I’d give up my friendship with him in an instant if it meant he could have a girl that would make him happy like that.
That’s why I feel so helpless when I watch, worry, know that there are a million other people more useful in the world, and that he doesn’t need me at all. I wish I could fix everything; go back in time and break off our friendship before it begins, because it hurts so fucking much to see the pain and know that I can’t do anything to stop it.
Maybe I’m an idiot, I don’t know. All I know is that when I try to avoid him, and I know that he’d be better off without me, I still find it so hard to live without him. I’d do it though, in a second if he asked; I’d turn around and walk the other way and never look back, if I could just make one of those girls see him the way I do.
Being in love is the best, and the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It feels so good to need someone that much, to care about them with all your heart, to value a second with them more than you value anything else in the world, and to go soaring into the sky every time they speak to you, look at you, and every time they smile; but it’s so hard knowing that you can never, ever be good enough for them, and that one day soon you’re going to lose them, and they’d have no reason at all to stay in touch with you, because you’ve never done anything right, and never been a good enough person for them.
‘Best friend’; that word’s like a knife, it feels so smooth, so right, and yet it kills when it doesn’t feel real. He says it, and I want to believe it’s true; I desperately want to believe that I mean something, anything at all, but my heart clenches up, aches, tells me that I’m wrong, that I’ve never done anything worthwhile.
It’s true though, I can tell him as many times as I want that I’m there for him if he ever needs me, but he never does. He can talk to everyone else so easily; when he’s upset, he’ll ignore me completely, and go somewhere quiet with someone else to discuss his feelings – I don’t know him, and I never will, because I’m nowhere near good enough to ever be the one he trusts, and I’ve never helped him, and I probably never will; I feel so useless.
How can we be best friends when I love him so much, but he’d rather be with anyone but me? There’re only so many tears you can cry, only so many times you can feel a piece of your heart and soul crumble when he tells you to leave him alone, when he snaps at you for doing everything wrong when you’re just trying to do anything right, when he turns to someone else and opens his heart, and you’re left watching, wishing. It’s so good to know that other people are helping him, but so hard to know that you just can’t.
I don’t want him, no way. He could never be happy with me, I just wish that he could be happy with someone else. I’d spent my life alone in a tiny, empty room, crying my heart out every second of every day, and having those nightmares about him turning away, if it meant I could see him happy for just one second.
I could die right now, in complete and total happiness myself, if I got to see him look into the eyes of another girl with a sparkle in his eye, and see her look back at him in the same way.
I see the good, and I see the bad. I hold back the tears, despite the ripping pain inside me; silent so that I don’t make myself cry with a simple word or move of the mouth. I turn away, look at the floor, anything to avoid seeing those eyes watching me, telling me I shouldn’t worry, when I can see that he’s feeling maybe almost as bad as I am, for someone else.
Yes, I’d give anything for him, anything at all; and yet somehow I never do; somehow, I’ve not given him anything he wants or needs, ever. How can I be willing to do anything, and yet never manage to?
Love is strong. It’s amazing, but it’s painful. You’ve never truly lived until you’ve loved, and I wouldn’t want to have never felt this. All of the pain is worth it for that feeling deep down in your heart that makes you appreciate every tiny thing in life, the thing that makes you so afraid of dying, but so willing to as well.